Taking Inventory
Like many women, I prefer that my living quarters not in any way resemble a fraternity house, which is why all I can think about these days is paint. Not that a coat of paint (or three, as it turns out) completely eliminates that Delta Tau Chi sort of ambiance, but it does go a long way. Take, for example, our spare room (or the book room, as I like to call it). Mere weeks ago the book room was not a book room at all; it was a dumping ground for useless crap -- empty kitty litter containers, broken storm windows, several non-functioning vacuums -- all bathed in the shiny glow of fake wood paneling. But now. . .NOW. . .the book room is a lovely shade of Carolina Blue (hey, where I come from that's a proper noun) containing exactly zero useless craps and approximately 500 books. Oh, also there's a futon. For visitors. Feel free.
So anyway, my point here is that I painted the spare room. Actually my real point is that before I could paint the spare room I had to de-crap-ify it, and you would not BELIEVE the useless Chris crap I found in the top of the closet. Sure, we all possess a fair amount of useless crap, but we don't all write things on our blogs like, "People, I beg you. Stop buying shit you don't need!" while the following items languish in our crap room closets:
- 13 unfinished fish carvings, with assorted driftwood
- a bike helmet
- 2 passports
- a pin made out of a dead fish
- an empty book of matches
- 2 packs of Wrigley's Doublemint gum (for double the refreshment, double the enjoyment, etc. I suppose)
- a stuffed teddy bear in Christmas attire
- assorted cards, including a Christmas card from some chick named Gita
- an invisible ink baseball game book
- a deck of playing cards wherein our current president appears in drag
- a little black book
- four (yes, FOUR) beanie babies
- a dirty dollar bill (with pictures of women licking VERY large penises rather than pictures of, say, George Washington)
- condoms (1 vanilla flavored and 1 black studded)
- 5 L.L. Bean catalogs
- the nametag of some chick named Denise, who once worked at The Tannery
- nude showgirl playing cards
- a smoke detector
- a pack of Dentyne Ice (avalanche mist)
- a toy gun
