Thursday, July 26, 2007

Taking Inventory

Like many women, I prefer that my living quarters not in any way resemble a fraternity house, which is why all I can think about these days is paint. Not that a coat of paint (or three, as it turns out) completely eliminates that Delta Tau Chi sort of ambiance, but it does go a long way. Take, for example, our spare room (or the book room, as I like to call it). Mere weeks ago the book room was not a book room at all; it was a dumping ground for useless crap -- empty kitty litter containers, broken storm windows, several non-functioning vacuums -- all bathed in the shiny glow of fake wood paneling. But now. . .NOW. . .the book room is a lovely shade of Carolina Blue (hey, where I come from that's a proper noun) containing exactly zero useless craps and approximately 500 books. Oh, also there's a futon. For visitors. Feel free.

So anyway, my point here is that I painted the spare room. Actually my real point is that before I could paint the spare room I had to de-crap-ify it, and you would not BELIEVE the useless Chris crap I found in the top of the closet. Sure, we all possess a fair amount of useless crap, but we don't all write things on our blogs like, "People, I beg you. Stop buying shit you don't need!" while the following items languish in our crap room closets:

  • 13 unfinished fish carvings, with assorted driftwood
  • a bike helmet
  • 2 passports
  • a pin made out of a dead fish
  • an empty book of matches
  • 2 packs of Wrigley's Doublemint gum (for double the refreshment, double the enjoyment, etc. I suppose)
  • a stuffed teddy bear in Christmas attire
  • assorted cards, including a Christmas card from some chick named Gita
  • an invisible ink baseball game book
  • a deck of playing cards wherein our current president appears in drag
  • a little black book
  • four (yes, FOUR) beanie babies
  • a dirty dollar bill (with pictures of women licking VERY large penises rather than pictures of, say, George Washington)
  • condoms (1 vanilla flavored and 1 black studded)
  • 5 L.L. Bean catalogs
  • the nametag of some chick named Denise, who once worked at The Tannery
  • nude showgirl playing cards
  • a smoke detector
  • a pack of Dentyne Ice (avalanche mist)
  • a toy gun
Personally, I find the empty book of matches fascinating. I mean, why not just throw it away?

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Don't Call It A Comeback

So. It's taken me two weeks, but I'm proud to say that I have visited every bar in Boyne City. And I did it all in one night. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how I roll.

What? You were expecting a nice, long post about the big move, and how wonderful it is living with my totally awesome boyfriend, and all the romantic things we've been doing? Tough shit. I meant to do a post when we first got here, and I even had the last paragraph -- which included this closing sentence: "And then Chris gazed at me lovingly and said, 'You know, I really need to get an axe," -- composed in my head, but I just never got to it.

Instead, join me on a tour of the Boyne City bar scene. . .

PS: You have to click on that little talking bubble icon (second from the left) for my informative captions to appear with each photo.