How to Talk Like a Norfolk Teenager

Basic Vocab

Wack: generally not cool: e.g., "I can't believe the Redskins lost, that's totally wack." or "Mr. E is making us read The Lexus and the Olive Tree, some wack book about globalization."

Jank: thing, stuff, etc.: e.g., "Did you grade our quizzes yet? I wanna know how I did on that jank." or "We had a pizza party in English today. . .that jank was good!"

Bootleg: sub-par, not name-brand: e.g., "You don't have an IPod? That's so bootleg." or "That shirt is so bootleg. I bet she made it in home-ec."

Scramblin': really really wack, with a touch of bootleg: e.g., "Those kids were cheating right in front of you? That's so scramblin'." or "What's up with her scramblin'-ass hair? Either dye it or don't dye it!"

Fry: to make fun of, put down, disparage; e.g., "Ooooh, she fried you!" (This term is most often employed as a threat: e.g., "I'm about to fry you, Jasmine!" It is rare for any "frying" to actually take place, but the mere possibility of being fried should make you tremble in your boots. I mean your Tims.)

On Snitching

Snitching is, of course, telling on someone. And do you know what happens to snitches? Snitches get stitches. Some of them even wind up in ditches. Which is why we should all just stop snitching. If we entertain any thoughts of being considered cool, we should at the very least own an anti-snitching t-shirt.

This stop snitching thing apparently originated in inner-city Baltimore and is pretty serious stuff in urban areas throughout the country. The t-shirts have been banned from courtrooms in several localities on the grounds that they intimidate witnesses. I imagine in some contexts the shirts would be pretty intimidating, but on a fluffy-haired white boy from Larchmont they don't quite have that effect. Nevertheless, I will think twice before snitching, since one of those fluffy-haired white boys said to me last week, "It's bad enough you're a teacher, but to be a teacher AND a snitch? Now that's low."