Friday, June 23, 2006

Attention Sketchy 50-Year-Old Men Of Norfolk

I'm flattered by the attention, I really am, but it's getting weird. I mean, I'm thirty. And I look like I'm twenty. I routinely get carded not just for alcohol but also for cigarettes (in a state where the smoking age is 18). Last month a clueless colleague even asked me for my hall pass.

I'm sure you're all very nice people, but what in the world makes you think that a 20-year-old girl -- or even a 30-year-old girl -- would want to go out with you? You're old.

If you drove a fancy car and seemed to have all sorts of money, you could probably find some younger women who would date you for that alone, but I'm not really the sugar daddy type, and most of you seem to be more sketchy than wealthy. Some of you, judging by the diamond-encrusted bits of gaudiness on your left hands, are even married, and I'm so not a home-wrecking kind a girl.

I know you think it's sweet and chivalrous to approach complete stangers and offer to demonstrate your culinary prowess by cooking them dinner or to bestow upon them the handful of seashells you've collected while casually strolling back and forth in front of them, but it's not. It's creepy.

Please stop. Just admire me from afar.* Or better yet, find a nearby non-sketchy man in his 30s and enourage him to hit on me. That would be a refreshing change of pace.

*For those who don't know me personally, rest assured that the "just admire me from afar" bit was a joke. Those who do know me personally know that I would never actually say anything like that. And I'm not exactly beating off the paparazzi.


wonderturtle said...

I have some friends who would file this in their running catalogue of Nasty Man Stories. Nasty in this case not meaning spiteful, but sketchy, shady, icky, creepy, etc. Lovely!

Grant Miller said...

Probably a good idea to not beat off the paparazi. They might get the wrong idea.

Megan said...

Um, clearly "beating off" was a poor choice of words.

Laura said...

Have you "beaten off" the paparazi in the past? I didn't know you were that kind of girl!

Odin said...

Reading your words makes me sick. In all actuality you are probably some extremely overweight, unintelligent moron that emits an odor similar to that of a dumpster behind a Chinese buffet. Try a product you likely never heard of, massengill.