Monday, October 16, 2006

Forget My Heart, It's My Boobs That Need Blessing

Note to my real-life guy friends: You might want to skip this one. Or not. I don't care. But no talking shit if you decide to read it.

I went bra shopping this afternoon. At Nordstrom, a place I typically do not frequent. I rarely wear a bra and I can't remember the last time I actually bought one, as I pretty much gave bras up at the height of my second hippie phase (hippie phase number one began my sophomore year in high school, but then I went through an inexplicable preppie phase in college, even going so far as to A) match things and B) tuck my shirts in. I don't really like to talk about this period of my life, but I'd recovered by my early twenties).

Every now and then I TRY to wear a bra, but I always end up sneaking into a bathroom to take it off within a few hours. Bras are uncomfortable. Plus, I teach high school -- sexy is not exactly the look I'm going for.

But then Lulu started posting pictures of her boobs (for a good cause) and when I mentioned that I had boob envy, she assured me the secret lies in the right bra. Which is exactly what my friend Kate who runs a chic-chic lingerie shop in Charlotte lectures me about almost every time I see her. So I emailed Kate and she sent me to Nordstrom.

And that is where my heart got blessed by the bra lady. After she measured me (because did you know that 85% of women are wearing the wrong size bra? the horror!), brought me some bras to try on, and checked them out to discover that none of them were working for me, the bra lady said, "Well bless your heart!" as she rushed off to find ten or twelve more bras for me to try on.

"Bless your heart," for my readers in The North, is what Southern women say to indicate that they feel sorry for you. Most of the time, they really do feel sorry for you and "bless your heart" is a genuine expression of sympathy. Some women, however, use "bless your heart" to disguise bitchiness. As in, "You look like you've gained about 50 pounds, bless your heart."

I think the bra lady meant it nice. But still. "Bless your heart" is not exactly what you want to hear when you're trying on bras. It kinda makes you feel like your boobs might be, well, fucked up.

As it turns out, my boobs are not fucked up (or at least that's what I'm gonna keep telling myself). It's just that on those rare occasions when I do wear a bra. . .get this. . .I've been wearing the wrong size. Like by a lot.

So I bought a bra. A LACY bra, for the love of god. And I think I might even like it.

There you go. One small step for Wacoal, one giant leap for patriarchy.


Phil said...

I think you have a new boyfriend. That's why you bought a new bra. Come on. Spill it.

Chris said...

You have just made my morning. There is nothing quite as appealing as a woman talking about her own boobs. Bless your heart!

lulu said...

Well bless your heart!

Feeling sexy?

vikkitikkitavi said...

Congrats on the bra. I remember when the Macy's bra lady changed my life. Every woman should go to the bra lady.

Maritza said...

Yeah, well...I have boobless envy. Try living as a 36D (sometimes DD) and it can be no fun! Did you know that all those cute lacy numbers don't come in my size? And they charge extra? And my flat chested sister picked up one of my bras and said, "Why don't you send this to Cuba? Maybe the rest of our family can jump in and come to the US in it" Very funny, Flatsy Patsy!

I have major big boob issues. Oh to go braless and not get a nipple stuck in my belt buckle!

All joking aside, the right size bra makes a world of difference! Enjoy your lacy bra!

Megan said...

Phil: Do you not remember last month's post entitled "My New Boyfriend"? 71-year-old modern architect? Is that ringing any bells?

Actually, if I had a new boyfriend you definitely would have heard about it by now. And my boobs would be otherwise occupied.

Chris: Glad I could help.

Lulu: I don't know that I'd go THAT far.

Vikki: I've seen a few guys who could benefit from a visit to the bra lady as well.

Maritza: Hey! I'm not boobless! :)

Over the summer my sister and I got into an actual argument about whose boobs are bigger. How stupid is that?

Steve said...

Can we start talking about the End of Oil now?

IAMRONIN said...

You rather talk about oil than boobs. What the hell is wrong with you? Anytime a woman is ready and willing to discuss her boobs, let her! By the way, the latest estimate from the USGS says that we will run out of are prescious fossil fuel sometime in the 2020's. So turn off your god damn fireplace gas man.

IAMRONIN said...

our not our/ SORRY!

Anonymous said...

I see you put a lot of work into this one A. I respect it!! Good luck and keep up the good work.

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