Somebody's Sure Crazy For These Crackers, Cuzzin

I just discovered this on the back of my box of Harris Teeter brand Wheat Snack Crackers:

What wonderful things crackers are! Unequaled in the kitchen, crackers are a stalwart worker. They are a dedicated palate to hold an imagination's worth of delectable toppings. . .they are a tool to excavate hearty dips and spreads. . .they are willingly drowned in our soups and crushed on our casseroles. All in the name of better taste. With this honorable service in mind, our traders created a line of the finest crackers available. . .each ready and eager to be served. Enjoy!

You know, I like crackers as much as the next guy, but I don't know that I'd go so far as to describe them as stalwart workers. I mean, they're crackers, for the love of god. And you're going to have a really tough time convincing me that these crackers are eager to be served. What, they're just dying for an opportunity to excavate one of my hearty dips? Puh-leaze.

Somebody actually gets paid good money to write these odes to crackers, probably better money than I get paid to teach the children. But I can sleep at night.